I don't care if this is proper or not. If this is short and sweet or long and hard....don't care. Just know that I have to write this and get this off of my chest. So this is going to be probably one of thosel ong ones.
I had to continue from the last post because I thought she was taking the computer but she wasn't. I'm going to call her by her nick in r/t....mags. So as not to really let others know. Even though really the only people that have links to this is ...well the world wide web and the chatters I use to chat with. Not that many of them are still around. Seems like majority of them don't chat anymore. It's not that bad...I don't either.
Just nothing left in it for me. I'v had my fun on the net and I'v had my fun with chatting and playing with women over the net. I'v cybered for years and done all sorts of kinks and things. It's not that anymore. It's that I do want a girl. I want a girlfriend and a partner someone that I can be with and be with them as part of them. Mag's was that type of girl. Yeah she was brass and she was opinionated and in my mother's eyes a redneck hick but fuck her and her bullshit. She's the one that tried to kill herself and then come after me and tell me I was in the wrong. Which is bullshit and don't even get me started over the appology. Is that actually one or one to get close so I can do shit to her again................like she thinks it should be.
I know speaking in riddles and such. BAsically as soon as I found Mags and started working with her at Target and I found a friend. She was pissed. WE went to see Indiana Jones movie. Sucked but I got to flirt andhang out with her later that night. I soon met the mother and lets just say that I'm CHOOSING to be included I guess in this family. Even though I think everyone single one of them is fucked in the head. Her mother is a pyscho. I know too that I'm fixing to actually post her name on this blog and in turn anyone that puts her name in a search engine in a few months will hit on this. I don't care. This woman's nuts....her name is.....well actually I would love t odo that. Love ot actually post her name and in some turn fuck her over but well she's going to get what she craves. SHit she IS getting it. Which is the funnest part. She's getting exactly what she's dreading just to stupid and idiotic to see it for waht it is. Fucking paranoid schizo. That and if I actually post the name just be in turn something to do with Mags. And, that is stupid to do that.
I went to live with her and her mom after we started to get together. Things were falling apart at where I was. Grandpa and his lil group just wasn't getting along with mine. Plus my mom was always hounding me about money and working more. I was soon taken from AP to Cashier and well then became a workhorse. They don't care as long as you can pull rabbits out of your ass. Which sucks really. TArget it a sucky ass place and no one should go there. Besides take out the DVD's and electronics everything else is to HIGH to really get anything.
Moving in was wierd and strange. Her Mother and her was the strangest of all. This lady's like a cross between my mother and my grandmother. Yet something else entirely of life's creations. Soon it was hard. It was hard dealing with her because well.....it was different. My mom's world is all about restraint and about keeping people at arms lenght. Why she tried to off herself again. Actually this time she blamed other people. She even thinks to this very day people are trying to get at her. Yet, no one is. That is the thing. My mom's world is about alot of bullshit. About making yourself better and if you don't then she doesn't get you. Her world *Mags* world is really about opening up and letting people love you. Yet, there love would say is tanted with money and what it can get to you. It's love but love with money involved so it's really Tainted Love.
I wasn't really use to all that. It felt good and it felt awesome. To finally actually find someone that meant something to me. To feel something again. I'v never been good with showing things and or telling things actually how I feel. I do a DAMN good job at reflecting things. I can be a therapist/shrink in that matter. But, to actually say something that means something....well where I grew up you had to make it SOUND real. It didn't matter if it wasn't....it just had to SOUND. Don't know if I can explain that to person reading this. But, you had to make sure that when you said "Thank you" it even out to what was going on in my mother's mind. WHich I know burned a few bridges with people.
My grandfather probably doesn't like me or what I do. Which is fine. Like I say these people even the one's in Texarkana........they dont' mean anything. They are just people with titles because they are "blood". And people with titles they don't know me..nor do I know them. My own mother doesn't fully know me. She doesn't want to and I don't want her to. She tried to kill herself and it's really all Mag's doing on the saving her part. She is the one that made me go and look after her. One that helped me at the hospital to do what little bit I did before mom's family showed up and wanted to do there bit. Which is fine they want to take the job so be my guest. Just if you can really sit there and tell me Sheri, Cindy, And Annie that you can handle with talking to a Doctor about DNR and other nasty terms be my guest. No one else as far as I know had any experience. Which I did.....I did through my grandmother. Wasn't my first nor last rodeo when it comes to death and life.
I know I'm meandering and I'm fixin to text g/f that it's ready and she can post. I'm just blabbering really and not alot of it's about her. Tonight she left me and well is at her mom's. Not that I care and not that I care what she thinks...because I don't. I just want her back. I know that I made a mistake but I'v been fighting like hell these past few weeks to get her back. I want to find a job! And I want to prove to her I can take care of things. I know I can handle base and you being deployed maggie. I can handle that. I don't have a problem with it. I love you though and that is something I want to do...is be with you. I'm sorry that I made the mistake. It's just that I wanted to make it safe and keep it safe.
I guess what I want to say is this..........I know our life is hard...and it's tough and it sucks. It really does suck. But, I want to be with you and I'm willing to fight whom ever to get you back and to be back with you. I love you. I know that we have had some rocky starts and that my life is pretty crazy. Our lives meant. But, I do LOVE YOU!
